Kaztawny's Diary

I met my partner back in 1988, I was 17 years old, and very naive. My parents were always abroad, and I needed some attention, and I took it from the first person who gave it, but I made the biggest mistake of my life - which cost me 10 years.

This guy was a charmer.

After a few months I agreed to get a house with him and to move in with each other. At the time, this was great, I was working and had quite a good job, and so did he. Everything was going great until we signed for the house and moved in. That's when it all started!

* I fell pregnant a few months after moving in together. He did not want the child and demanded that I have an abortion. I refused. He decided that he would force miscarriage by punching me in the stomach time and time again - I was 10 weeks pregnant when this happened. I didn't miscarry.

The next day he was full of apologies and promised he would never hurt me again.

* A couple of weeks after this attack, came another, when he returned from the pub, I asked whether he had had a good night out - he assumed I meant it sarcastically, and decided to beat me again for being rude.

Next day - more apologies, promising again never to hit me again.

* The punches became more often - and were on a weekly basis sometimes more. It came to the stage where as much as I hated it, I got used to it. Then, he decided that wasn't enough but to use mental abuse:
* Not letting me out of the house.
* Locking me in the bedroom and standing over me.
* Threatening (which I found harder to cope with) to beat me. It was the waiting, and knowing sooner or later he was going to hit me, but the upset of waiting for the blow was worst of all.
* I lost my job because he wouldn't let me out.

* 10 days after giving birth to my daughter - my partner decided he needed some attention himself, and pointed out to me that it was my duty to please him as well. When I refused, and told him that doctor's orders were to wait 6 weeks, the reply was tough luck. He raped me, and had his fist stuck in my face, trying to put my face through the wall.

* The rape came more and more often after that time - the more pain I was in, the more pleasure he got from it. He was a sick man. After seven years of this, I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 26, just because one man had left my insides in a complete mess.

* On other occasions - I have been stabbed - not badly, but enough to leave scars behind.

* My friends left in droves - he threatened them, and even resorted to threatening my mother. Although to this day, she does not know much of what happened. She was always too busy spending money!

* For 9 of the 10 years I was with him - I hated him. I was too scared to leave, as he always threatened me with many different things if I did leave.

Life went on like this for 10 years. In the end, I knew I had to do something before he killed me. I was very scared, like I have never been before. I did the only thing I could to protect my daughter, and myself I phoned the police when my partner was outside the house threatening to beat me up again. The first call was not taken too seriously, and they sent up one police car. As soon as the police arrived, my partner disappeared, and being a village with no streetlamps, it wasn't hard for him to hide. So the police left. Partner came back, even more furious now. I called the police again, this time they took it seriously, and sent enough vehicles and police to block off the whole village. This was done and he was caught. For many months afterwards - the police sat outside my house at night and occasionally getting out to shine their torches on my windows. I was a complete mess for some time, and had no confidence; I felt like although alive I had been destroyed.

Up to a few years ago, the laws were hopeless, now these have been changed and women in this situation now, have full protection.

After my 10 year crisis, I picked up the pieces and went back to college. I am now a part-qualified accountant and office manager for a firm of solicitors. The one thing I learnt in those 10 years, was how to survive the worst. I have my life back the way I want it, my daughter, my horse and my work.

If I can do it - so can others! It's as hard as hell, and you have to fight like you have never done before. The outcome on the other hand is the most wonderful feeling. There are days when I think it would be nice to have an adult to talk to when I get home from work, but its only when I am on my own, the weakness shows. I would rather be lonely, than have to go back to any form of violence.

I have learnt my lesson well, as my mother would say.

This diary was kindly and courageously written by a planetoneparent member.
If you, or you and your children live in fear of a violent partner, do not feel that you are trapped and can do nothing about it. It may be difficult, especially if they are watching you, but there are people and organisations that can help you. They can give you all the help and advice that you will need to put an end to it. You and your children have the right to live your lives without fear. Make sure you get help and the sooner the better. Kaztawny is proof that you can escape and start a new, violence free life. You can contact her on the noticeboard in the Community section of this site.