In all the pain, anguish and possible anger that may surround a separation or divorce, it is easy to be so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you may not be really aware of how it is all affecting your children.

Remember it is not their fault - do not take your stress out on them and make sure you give them time to talk to you about the situation and how they are feeling. Many children wrongly blame themselves and really hurt inside, but often they do not express or show it. They may often seem as though they are coping well or are unaffected by the situation, but in many cases, this is actually often far from the truth.

They will need reassurance from you that it is not their fault, that they are loved and needed and that they are an important part of your life. The fact that you need to help and support each other is a crucial message to convey.

Like you, it is important that the children also have someone to confide in and talk to. Some may have a friend in the same situation, or a Grandparent that they are close to. Alternatively, a counsellor could help them to deal with the situation and emotions in the most effective way. You as a parent can also encourage honesty in discussing and showing feelings.

Try and make some allowances - bad or out of character behaviour may be a way of trying to attract yours or the other parent's attention, typically known as 'a cry for help'. Support and encourage involvement in a club, sport, interest, hobby or pet.

Consider something that will help them to feel good about themselves as well as give them a focus, along with the chance to be supported by and interact with others. In the same way that you will not be yourself through the difficult times, your children may be no different. Not wanting to go to school, doing badly at school and changes in character and attitude are all things to watch out for.

Try to make sure that they are clear about their future, what their routine will be and by planning ahead (holidays etc) you will give them things to look forward to. They need positivism in their lives.

A parenting plan can be extremely useful to the adults, but especially beneficial and reassuring to the children. Knowing which parent is responsible for which aspect of their life - education, medical, social, etc.
For further information see www.betterdivorce.com